


And I Tried To Hold These Secrets Inside Me

by anythingbutplatonic



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: 4x15, Angst, Episode Related, F/M, Missing Scene Fic, Oliver-centric, Taken, episode reaction fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-22
Updated: 2016-03-22
Packaged: 2018-05-28 10:36:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6325669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anythingbutplatonic/pseuds/anythingbutplatonic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It had never been about hurting her. </p>
<p>Episode reaction/missing scene fic for 4x15 "Taken".</p>
            </blockquote>





	And I Tried To Hold These Secrets Inside Me

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from "Control" by Halsey.

It had never been about hurting her.

It had never been about causing her pain. 

It had never about intentionally lying, or keeping secrets. Not trusting her. 

No, that hadn’t been his intention. Far from it.

He’d tried. He’d all but begged Samantha to allow him to tell _someone_ , anyone, _Felicity_. If not anyone else, then at least her. 

She’d forced his hand anyway. 

And so he’d lied. 

For Samantha. For _William_. And for Felicity, too, in a way, Barry’s words ringing in his head, a pounding rhythm at the back of his mind that taunted him each time his conscience warred for attention with the hatred for himself that bubbled in his gut every time he thought about telling Felicity the truth.

“ _It looked like it was over between you two.”_

If he’d been capable of feeling any kind of emotion right there and then, he would have laughed, bitter and making bile rise at the back of his throat. 

He could only stare blankly, at nothing in particular - the solid pale wood of the table he’d been sitting at for the last...well, he didn’t know when; how long had it been since Felicity had left? An hour? Two? Or maybe it had only been five minutes, or ten minutes. He didn’t know; he’d been too shocked, his heart stopping in his chest, after he’d watched the door slam shut on her back and she’d walked right out of his life.

God, she’d _walked_.

She’d actually _walked!_

Any excitement he might have felt about that fact had been dashed like waves over rocks as she’d looked at him with tear-filled eyes for just a moment - then turned and took her first steps since the accident, away from their apartment. From him. From them.

The chair was still next to the table, empty and sagging where Felicity had vacated it. On the table itself was the ring she’d slid from her finger and dropped onto the wood with a rattle of metal and diamond. 

“ _I can’t do this.”_

The words stole the breath from his lungs and froze the blood in his veins. There were words at the tip of his tongue, but he didn’t say them.

_No._

_Don’t go._

_We can talk about this._

_We can figure it out._

_Please let me explain._

First the Mayoral race. Then William. And now Felicity.

Three things - three _good_  things - in his life, ripped out from under his feet in quick succession like a series of parrying blows. But these blows weren’t to the ribs or kidneys or jaw; they were to the heart.

A bruised, battered heart, still tender and raw around the edges, a heart that had only just started healing.

_I’m trying_. 

The phrase was like a mantra, a reassurance and a declaration, a staccato rhythm that beat itself into his blood, his bones, his very soul. It was a cry for help and an affirmation of life, all wrapped up in one. 

_I’m trying. I’m trying. I’m trying._

It was never about hurting her, but he did anyway. 

The irony is, it wasn’t even worth it.


End file.
